'The answer should be collaboration, not compromise': Marriage Hacks We Wish We Knew Sooner from Wise Women in Long Term Relationships

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Aug 7, 2025 3:00 PM EDT

I went to a wedding two years ago and only just last week reconnected with the former bride and groom. No drama, we just live in different cities several hours away and are pretty busy just trying to manage the whole adulthood thing. Over cold coffees and an indulgent brunch spread, I asked them what it was like for them now, being married and all. And well, not surprisingly, they said that nothing much has changed. They'd been in a 5-year relationship before they actually tied the knot; they'd already spent half a decade living, traveling, and problem solving together, so the wedding and paperwork just felt like a symbolic courtesy to society. 
In truth, what you will find below aren't necessarily marriage hacks. They are tips for people in long term relationships. Some of them are even viable advice for platonic and familial relationships, too. Whether you're genuinely seeking a new approach to your relationship, or you just want to feel good about having it all figured out already, scroll down to check out what all the hubbub is about.

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  • 01

    What's your marriage hack you wish you knew sooner?

    marriage hacks we wish we knew sooner
    via Crystal Sing from The Crystal Sing Collection

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 02
    celestialism In a conflict, never think of it as "you vs. me," but as "us vs. the problem." Get on the same team.
    via u/celestialism
  • 03
    bravovice To piggy back on this- the answer should be a collaboration not a compromise. Do your best to get everyone what they want, at least eventually.
    via u/bravovice
  • 04
    obviousoctopus . . . and when talking about it, position your body to be side by side with your partner, not facing them. As in, facing the same direction.
    via u/obviousoctopus
  • 05
    This body language changes the vibe and unconscious attitudes from "talking at each other" to "together, talking about the thing".
    via u/obviousoctopus
  • 06
    Cheezburger Image 10539347968
    via Syda Productions

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 07
    Broken_Side_Of_Time I am a couples therapist and this is the mindset shift that we try to work on in therapy.
    via u/Broken_Side_Of_Time
  • 08
    inannaberceuse Tried that. He was stuck on the him vs me. Could not get him to budge even when he'd say it himself. It always meant, if I didn't fold there was a problem
    via u/inannaberceuse
  • 09
    MuppetManiac The best marriage advice I EVER got, I read in a cosmo magazine. If you argue about whether to squeeze the toothpaste from the end or the middle, buy two tubes of toothpaste.
    via u/MuppetManiac
  • 10
    Some things aren't worth arguing over. Sometimes you just need two tubes of toothpaste. Edit: some of you are missing the point - this isn't about toothpaste.
    via u/MuppetManiac
  • 11
    Intrepid-Product9217 Literally this. My husband likes to brush his teeth in the shower and I don't lol. So it's annoying to me when I can't find the toothpaste and have to go into the shower to get it.
    via u/Intrepid-Product9217
  • 12
    It just made sense to buy two tubes of toothpaste, one for the shower and one for our bathroom counter.
    via u/Intrepid-Product9217
  • 13
    a-a-andyandthetuna I love how you meant this as a metaphor, yet everyone here is commenting about their toothpaste preferences :)
    via u/a-a-andyandthetuna
  • 14
    CAPalmer1 Something I realised after a few years of marriage: it's his home too. I used to get frustrated that he didn't put his shoes away in the cupboard and coat on the hook, that he dumped his clothes on the chair instead of back in the wardrobe.
    via u/CAPalmer1
  • 15
    And then I realised I had never asked him where he wanted the shoes to go, or what spot was most convenient for leaving not-clean- but-not-dirty-clothes.
    via u/CAPalmer1
  • 16
    He has as much right as I do to live in a house that is set up to work the way that suits him. I do too. And when those ways are different then we need to find a compromise. So his crop goes by the back door and
    via u/CAPalmer1
  • 17
    mine goes by the front. He has a basket for his clothes: it's not in the wardrobe where opening the door is a mental barrier to using it, but it doesn't hold as much stuff as the chair so he has to sort and tidy it sooner.
    via u/CAPalmer1
  • 18
    tsisdead I took this to the extreme lol. I am a very messy person and he is not, so my office is a second bedroom with its own closet and bathroom where I can be as messy as I want!!
    via u/tsisdead
  • 19
    whereswarden I like to think of marriage as a sport. You're one team working towards an end goal. When things aren't going your way, remember whose team you play for. You wouldn't yell at your teammate for missing a pass or appearing tired. You'd encourage them and lift them up.
    via u/whereswarden
  • 20
    Your teammate in life deserves respect. They don't deserve to be lied to or deceived. They should be given opportunities to be imperfect.
    via u/whereswarden
  • 21
    Cheezburger Image 10539347712
    via pixelshot

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 22
    Far Wrongdoer4543 -- Overall just relationship related don't try to continue a serious discussion late at night or running on fumes in general. It is better to go to bed and revisit it the following day if necessary.
    via u/Far_Wrongdoer4543
  • 23
    EnvironmentalLuck515 Yep. "Never go to bed angry" is awful advice. Do go to bed angry. Chances are with sleep you will find the entire situation so much easier to work out.
    via u/EnvironmentalLuck515

  • My dad was huge on never going to bed angry; it honestly usually just resulted in everyone going to bed annoyed and resentful for being forced to come to a half-hearted resolution. 

  • 24
    Cheezburger Image 10539348224
    via Gpoint Studio

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 25
    Grigsbyjawn The happier you make your spouse, the happier they want to make you.
    via u/Grigsbyjawn
  • 26
    Queasy-Perspective87 That only works with emotionally mature men. Quite a few I met, think if only you this or that. They don't have any idea who they are other than work and play together
    via u/Queasy-Perspective87
  • 27
    Othat_girl0 Disagree, you should focus on making yourself happy. Not at the expense of the other, put good work into the relationship, but you should always be your most important priority. You can't pour from an empty cup.
    via u/Othat_girl0
  • 28
    tvp204 Marry someone you don't just love but actually like
    via u/tvp204

  • This is a big one! Your life partner should also be a life friend. 

  • 29
    Evagria Yes! My whole life I would always get sick of people if I spent too much time with them, best friends included. My husband is the only person I have never gotten sick of― we spend a lot of time together and I could always be around him more. (Arguments notwithstanding.)
    via u/Evagria
  • 30
    RunnerGirlT Yes! There's an IG reel going around that says "marry someone that if all your friends disappeared tomorrow, you'd still be ok because you like being around your spouse"
    via u/RunnerGirlT
  • 31
    Obviously everyone who wants them, should have friendships outside of marriage. But your spouse should be your friend and someone you genuinely want to be around
    via u/RunnerGirlT
  • 32
    not_triage This is not a marriage hack, but a relationship hack in general. People like to hear, "you're right." And often in a conflict, both parties are right — at -
    via u/not_triage
  • 33
    least about some aspect of the situation. "You're right" can defuse some anger and tension, and shows that you are listening to your partner.
    via u/not_triage
  • 34
    nuppinhunnie Don't talk bad about your spouse to anyone.
    via u/nuppinhunnie
  • 35
    vavavoo So you should keep everything inside, never ask trusted friends for advice or share lifes difficulties with them?
    via u/vavavoo
  • 36
    nuppinhunnie Nobody said that. But if that means bad mouthing your spouse, then yes.
    via u/nuppinhunnie

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long term relationship relationship advice marriage married with children Female Empowerment wife married life relationships husband couples mental health married
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